BtVS: If only...
by Leni
Summary: Different points of view of an alternate S4. (revised) Don't forget to REVIEW.


  
AN: The short lines inbetween are Angel's thoughts.  
  
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She is hurting.  
  
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*Buffy*  
  
I miss him.  
  
He hugged me, he kissed me and then he was gone.  
I can't cry tonight. Willow is staying at the dorm. That's what I most hate of living with her. She seems pretty upset today. I wonder what has happened.   
  
"Are you going out with Riley tonight?" So that was it. She is upset for me, as the good friend she is. I know she suspects what's happening with me. I remember crying on her lap when Scott left me. She tried to comfort me, said there were better guys out there. That's when I said it, and her whole concept of me changed. "But none of them is Angel." She gasped and only hugged me. They all believed I was over him, especially after I told them what happened in the mansion. They still believe it.   
  
"No, not tonight" I answer absently.   
  
After Scott I didn't date for a long time. "You don't have time for me", he said. And he was right. I spent more time patrolling than with him. And then Faith and the Mayor came; I really didn't have any time for a guy. I defeated them both. Faith ran away. After the battle she was at the hospital, next day she wasn't. I really don't care.  
  
Summer was quiet. To L.A with my father with only a bag of clothes, a necklace and a ring. He said I was being too serious. I still think he wanted to say 'dead'. I wouldn't come out of my room except to eat. Not even shopping with *daddy's card* convinced me. Cordy would say I was crazy. Maybe she is right.  
  
Then came college and Riley with it. A 'nice, charming, good-looking' guy, who apparently loves me. I'm sure Willow told him to ask me out, 'my friend is a bit shy' or something so. So now I'm considered his girlfriend. If only I loved him...  
  
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I hate to see her cry.  
  
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*Willow*  
  
She is thinking about him again. I know it. I guess it's time to talk with her, to make her confront her problems. After all it's my job as her best friend. What she is doing is unfair for her and all of us. So here I am.  
  
"Are you going out with Riley?" I ask nonchalantly though I already know the answer. I've just met Riley; he told me she cancelled their date. He was so worried about her; he asked me if she was okay. I know she isn't but of course I didn't say it.  
  
Riley is a good guy; he is nice to her. But I already know it won't last. And she's too lost in the past to care. Still, Riley keeps trying to make her happy and I thank him. I know she does, too. But 'making her happy' isn't enough.  
  
"No, not tonight." I sigh. I simply don't understand why is she doing this. It was nearly three years ago! I know she wears that ring always, in a chain or in her finger, but always with her. Once I saw her diary. It was left open on the table, I couldn't help but notice it: One word. Written over and over and over. That was a month ago. How long will *this* last?  
  
"Buffy, we need to talk. Now." If only this would be enough...  
  
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I just wish I could stop her tears.  
  
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*Riley*  
  
She cancelled. Again. Today was special: A month since we're together. If you could call *this* 'together'.  
  
I really don't know why I keep doing this. It's not as if I have achieved *something*. "She is hurting", her friend said, "She only needs time and patience." Scratch it. What she needs is her 'oh so loved' ex boyfriend.   
  
And yet I can't leave. She is too beautiful, too special. I won't make the same mistake *he* did. I'll stay here until the day she herself pulls me apart. I love her. If only she loved me...  
  
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I wish I could have her in my arms and never let her go.  
  
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*Giles*  
  
She has been dropping her guard. If it weren't for her friends she wouldn't be here tonight.  
  
I barely can see the girl who entered the library carelessly that first day, the one who made everyone happy because she was too, not even the depressed and haunted girl who still managed to maintain the hope in her eyes. She has changed, and it hasn't been for the better.  
  
If I could I would bring him back. There's no place for hate or resentment in my heart anymore; I only want to see her smile.  
  
If only I could...  
  
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I can't bear the sadness in her eyes. This is truly the worst punishment.  
  
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*Joyce*  
  
My baby is hurting.   
  
When she came back after those long three months I thought the worst had passed. I was wrong. At first I didn't suspect anything: She smiled and laughed, even went out with a boy. Now I know all of that means nothing.  
  
I was so worried about her life that I didn't care much about her soul. Soon I couldn't recognize my loving daughter in that cold girl. I still can't.  
  
Giles told me she had to kill Angel to save the world. I didn't give it any thought, why would I? A vampire less, a threat less for my baby. I was SO wrong. One night I couldn't sleep and went to the kitchen for milk. I stopped at her door 'cause I heard a noise. She was crying softly in her sleep. I neared myself to wake her up and only then I noticed she was talking too. Only a word, mixed with tears and sobs. I couldn't take it anymore and practically ran out of her room.  
  
She has been acting all this time, giving us the perfect show and expecting us to believe it. But I know the truth: My baby is hurting. If only I could do anything...  
  
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If only I could reach her. Then the suffering would truly stop.  
  
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*Willow*  
  
She's asleep. We have talked for hours. She has finally told me her feelings, the true ones. We have cried. A lot. I wish I could do something to console her; but all my attempts have been only mistakes, Riley being the worst of them. I've realized it tonight. And I've also realized other thing: She will never let go. If only I could convince her...  
  
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*Angel*  
  
"I love you" I mouth. She smiles. A nice, perfect smile. She is simply beautiful. She kisses me softly. "I love you too." I know this is only a dream but this would have to be enough, for now.  
  
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*Oracles?*  
  
Power could be sensed everywhere. The shadows moved through the room. One of them spoke.   
  
"This is not fair. She will not take it much longer."  
  
Another voice answered. "It is not our problem. If she falls another One shall rise."  
  
"Nobody but the Child could defeat the new enemy" The first figure said matter of factly. "We are responsible for the Balance, If the Child dies Evil will reign forever."  
  
"We cannot intervene in the course of Destiny." The other answered.   
  
If she could she would have frowned. "This is not about Destiny. Nothing is as it should. What is happening isn't supposed to."  
  
"What you want to happen isn't either. They never were meant to be together." He answered absently. He was tired of this argument.  
  
"But Fate is also important." She insisted. Why couldn't he see the importance of this? "She brought them together, they should stay so."  
  
"If so, why aren't they?" Irony could be heard in his voice.  
  
"Mortals are the ones to blame." She had already said this and knew the answer.  
  
"Then they shall suffer the consequences." He stated.  
  
"I will not let this continue." The first figure said with security.   
  
"And you haven't. You should be content. What you've done is enough to keep the Warriors going on" A gasp of surprise could be heard in the room. "Don't think I didn't know about it. I have allowed this only because the power of their love is enough to defeat the darkness in her nightmares. The Balance prevails. That will be all."  
  
She nodded. She had lost the battle again. But this time she had hope. If he had accepted their connection in the dream realm maybe he would accept a reunion later. If only it would happen soon.  
  
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**** Well, sorry if this story hasn't a happy ending; but I think there are enough of them, don't you think? Feedback, PLEASE.****  



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